I have spent a good portion of last year dwelling on the fact that things were not like I wanted them to be or expected them to be. I was stuck in an endless cycle of getting angry, feeling hopeless, getting hopeful again, resolving to do better, and then getting angry again. (And, of course, blogging about it!) I'm pretty sure that this is a typical Emily-type cycle and that I can never completely escape it. But, I want it to be more manageable.
So, this new year brought new realizations and resolutions. I don't want life to be this way. I know that I've said that before. It was true before and it's true now. It's time for me to accept him as he is and let go of how I wanted him to be. It's not fair.
That doesn't mean it's ok for him to leave the room for half an hour after opening his birthday presents because he didn't like them. And, it doesn't mean that it's ok that he said to his brother, "I hope you get better presents than I did." And, it's definitely not ok to ever withhold an apology to one of his siblings because "I wasn't raised to say I'm sorry when I'm not sorry." (First of all, you were barely "raised" and, second of all, you should be sorry or love him enough to try to be sorry that you unintentionally did something,)
Yeah, that's what my end of the year post would've been about. I would've talked about that and I would've talked about how I couldn't stop being mad at him, And, how much I wished that wasn't true.
Ok, I couldn't resist venting a little. Done now.
Back to changes and resolutions! This year, I want to remember to enjoy my kids, all of them. I will give the good moments a chance to happen. I will drag Kaleb to more activities (not all of them, but more). I'll do this, even though, I know that it might be easier without him (mostly, because of his potential irritation at being there or his questions about when we are leaving). I'll do it because it's important for us to be together and it's important that he has the memories.
I will accept all of my children as they are, not as I want them to be. Kaleb will never quite see the world in the same way that the younger three do and, honestly, it might be weird if he did. William will always struggle with thinking before he speaks. Antwan will, sadly, probably always throw his pillow on the floor and then absentmindedly stand on it. And, Lizzie...well, she will always be really, really cute. ;)
I will make them feel loved, all of the time. I think I do pretty well with the littles. But, I could do better with William and Kaleb.
I will try to give the kids more direct attention, each day. I feel like the whole day (especially during the week) is a drive-by; "get dressed, go to school, do your homework, eat your dinner, brush your teeth, go to bed..." Finding a few minutes to focus on one child can be hard. But, I'll try!
Anyway, the point is. I want to be a better mom. So, I'll bypass the "eat better, exercise more" standby because who are we kidding? I write this with a Cherry Coke next to me and a peanut butter cup in my mouth. I just want to be a better mom. I want them to feel loved and secure. And, most of all, I want to enjoy them. There were too many times, last year, when I looked around the room and thought "Ok, good, they seem happy. So, it's ok that I'm not. It's not about me, anymore, anyway" But, I don't think it was ok.
So, because I can't think of a quote to wrap this up, (I really love doing that), I'll just say,,,happy new year. Let's all go out and be happy. :)
(Oh, no! I just glanced at the clock and it's time to pick up William! Good thing that one of my resolutions was to be more punctual?!)